There have been times lately where I sometimes feel that I'm just about to breakdown in tears. I think I sometimes hold myself back because I want to be strong and sometimes because I feel that if I start to cry and someone holds me there will be a flood of tears like a rushing river. I miss my husband so, so much. I know he's in heaven and that gives me such great joy but oh Lord I still miss him. I have often thought about my last moment's with my husband and have played over in my mind what I would have done differently if given the chance. I think of I wish I could have kissed him just as he took his last breath so my breath would go with him into heaven. I wish I had told him during those last minutes how much I love him and that I will miss him greatly. There is so much I wish I had done differently but I know the truth of the matter is that had I done those things, there would be other things I wish I had done because the bottom line is that when you lose someone you love you never feel like you do enough. I at least have peace that he knew I loved him with all of my heart and that I was a great wife to him. I was thinking the other day of a special time we had at our friend's Eddie's house during an awesome time of being in God's presence. My husband truly opened up his heart in front of many people he didn't know and just gave thanks to the Lord for me, for God restoring our marriage, and for his second chance. I can't even put into words everything my husband said but he basically said everything I had always prayed he would say after he came home and that was truly a gift for me that I will always treasure. On that day, more than any other, he affirmed for me how remorseful he was for the mistakes in our marriage and how much he loved me. I can't thank the Lord enough for answering my prayer and touching my husband like he did that day. It was truly a special day for both of us. It was truly a day where my husband but the past behind him and just wanted to show me and the world that he was serious about our love. A day I will always treasure.
The following is a poem I found today while surfing the net. It truly is beautiful.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and
called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and
smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
and since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
Buy you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
- Author Unknown.
1 Comment
It will soon be three months since my husband died and I have to tell you, it's still hard. Actually it sought of feels like somehow it got harder. Not sure why. Maybe it's becoming more crystal clear that he's gone. I feel sometimes that I'm just going with the motions - just doing.... It's hard to explain but I sometimes feel like I'm just going and going - like the Energizer bunny but I don't know where I'm going. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. I guess part of the struggle is because for 22 years I've been a wife and Frank and I had certain goals and plans together and now no Frank. Don't get me wrong, I have my daughter and I love her to death and I do and do for her but it's starting to hit me that I need to look at my life and start to see things differently, plan differently and so forth. I'm really having a hard time explaining this but my life today is not the same as it was 3 months ago and as I start to accept that it's a difficult and painful thing. I guess right now the only things that give me focus in my life is my daughter and my Lord. I'm reminded to not lean on my own understandings but to trust in Him and He will direct my path. Well I'm sure He already has that path set forth, cleared up, and ready for me so just pray that I can be still and "let God". Today makes 25 years since Frank and I met. I still remember that day as if it were yesterday. Frank use to always joke about how he fell in love with me when he saw me chopping on some chicken. He always goofed about I had no regard for who was around because I was just enjoying that chicken. Well yesterday was our first Father's Day. I must say that I really could not wait for the day to be over. it was extremely difficult. It actually started on Saturday where I just could not stop crying as I thought about the fact that this was Father's Day weekend but my husband was not here. Last night I spoke at a Tres Dias gathering about God's grace. God's grace is truly amazing and it's His love. His love truly, truly is amazing and through his grace we have divine assistance, strength and help in time of need. God had me speak last night and I feel like I gave my all. I felt God's grace come through as strength last night as I spoke of this journey we are on but today I'm wiped out totally. My sister Karen told me I may feel wiped out because as she put it, I gave birth last night. Thank the Lord for the older women in the body who have so much wisdom. Yes I am wiped out today but I gave birth last night to God's plan for my life and God's directive for someone else or hopefully for several people. I just pray that what I shared touched lives and maybe began the healing process in some marriages. I don't know but God knows so I trust Him that I gave my all because He wanted me to do so. I couldn't even make it to my Praise Dance Class today - too wiped out but that's okay - all for God. Well this is going to be some weekend. I've spent some time crying the past few days just thinking that this will be my daughter's first Father's Day without her daddy, her superhero. It's really sad but I think what we will do is celebrate his life. We will maybe just spend some time together rembering the wonderful memories he left us and his silly jokes, comments and dances. We'll go to the cemetary and just spend some time there. Maybe we'll have a little picnic there. Again, I know God will get us through. We've heard that saying - "no pain, no gain" when it comes to exercising but I'm learning more and more how true that is spiritually too. When I think of all the pain my Lord and Savior suffered being crucified, spit at, whipped, mocked I'm sure many thought - "ha, he's no Savior if he were he would save himself". Sure He could have saved himself but what would He have gained by that, would He have completed the task? No of course not. So I see myself and my situation and although I am sometimes in a lot of pain I say, okay my pain is going to be someone else's gain at some point. It's when I look outside of myself to the bigger picture that I have the strength to keep fighting the fight of faith. Do I hurt, of course I do. Do I sometimes want to give up, of course I do but somehow God just continues to pour out His grace upon me and I'm continuously refreshed and ready to go on - it's His spirit that lives within me that says, "we're not done yet". So as long as we are not done, I move forward with God before me who could be against me. I just read a comment from dear friends of mine Sharon and Charles. They said joy comes from the "mourning". How illogical that sounds but how true it is. When I think back of all the trials in my life there were times of great mourning but that mourning made the victory even sweeter. My marriage was a miracle in more ways than many know. It was a marriage that I'm sure when it started many thought it would not survive. It was a marriage that survived many troubles, many hard times, much pain but I believe God used everything we went through to keep our marriage together. I'm not going to lie to anyone and say we had the perfect marriage because we did not. However, one thing we knew deep down inside was that even during those difficult times - we knew we had each other, and before coming to God, we just knew we couldn't leave each other. Once we came to know God as our Lord and our marriage went through another difficult period, we then understood that God had a plan for us and it was because of that plan that we could not leave each other. In the secular world people would call it soulmates but God calls it "becoming one". We had a love and understanding of each other that was from God. It's as if God had knit us together. God's plan to use our marriage did not end with Frank's death. No, Frank's death did not catch God off guard and His plans stand firm. I've seen God still using our marriage to minister and bless others so the work continues even with Frank's passing. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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