I've had many tell me this blog is a blessing to them to go through this journey with me. But the truth is that you reading this blog is a blessing to me. I'm pretty transparent in this blog so when you read it, you know how to pray for me. I have to tell you, I feel those prayers. To think I was so down yesterday and today I feel so much better I know it's your prayers so I thank you and I ask the Lord to bless you for praying for me. Once again, as the words of the song I ministered today in dance says "You raise me up, to more than I can be". That's what my Lord does for me everyday.
Bless you King Jesus.
0 Comments
I woke up this morning with tears. Tears as I look over to my husbands side of the bed that is totally empty. Tears as I think of the last moments with him and how I wish I had done things differently. Tears because I miss him so much. I miss him most on the weekends because he truly was my best friend and we did everything together. I just ask God if it's possible for him to just tell my husband how much I love him and miss him and that I'm so sorry I didn't give him the kiss before leaving this world to take with him to the next world. It's something that really bothers me and I ask God why, why was I trying to be so strong, why didn't I just give him that last kiss and whisper in his ear as he left this world to transition to the next. My Lord responded with, once again child you were trying to be strong for someone else - Frank's mom. I guess I had to be strong so that she wouldn't lose it but oh how I wish I could have done all those things. I will always remember when one of my best friends died - Tim. He died in his wife's arms while she was trying to give him mouth to mouth. She was trying to breath life into her husband's body and it just touched me because I thought God gave him life and the one who loved Tim the most was giving Tim his last breath that took him into the hands of God. When Frank had left the house I remember asking him once, Frank you need to put things in perspective and think if you were in Tim's shoes whose face, whose lips would you want to see over yours. I could see a lightbulb go off but he said nothing and just tried to hurry up and leave my presence. I remember when he then called me and said Hon, there is nobody but you that I would want to see during my last breath here. So you see that's why I drive myself nuts sometimes with why, why, why didn't I just give him that kiss to lead him into the arms of God. Folks, I'm just being transparent here. I know that I know that I loved my husband with a love that sometimes I don't even understand. I know that I know that he left knowing that I loved him with all my heart but yet I wish that I had just given him that last kiss, that the last breath he felt over him was mine as he then felt the breath of life stand over him when he left his body into the presence of the Lord. Lord, help me please to get over this because it truly hurts so much. Help me Lord not to think on this but instead to think about the love that we shared and to remember how much we loved, we shared and how much I tried my best to show him agape love. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca, The translation for the Valley of Baca is Valley of Tears. I can't begin to tell you how much I've cried lately. I truly, truly am in that valley but I know that from this valley will spring forth a place of springs. Springs that will give life, hope and encouragement to others. It's been rough but how much more rough it would be if I didn't know Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It is because I dwell in His house, it is because my strength is in Him that I'm able to go on so I thank my Lord for all that He has done for me and all that He is yet to do. It is in Him that I put my trust so when I cry it's not because I'm weak but it's because I hurt and those tears are part of the healing process. I've never know an emptiness like this
Today at church my eye just happen to catch a couple sitting together with the husband's arm over the wife and just caressing her hair. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought about that I will never feel that again from my husband. It's not like I didn't know that before but for some reason today, it just truly hit me. I guess that's one of the things I miss so much is to just be held, loved and made to feel special like only the way Frank could. Well today is my birthday, my first one without my hubby. To be honest I just wanted to snuggle up with Frank's teddy bear and stay in bed all day. I pushed myself out of the bed to get to work which was not an easy task. I've had a few bouts of crying and I keep smacking myself and reminding myself that I can't have a pity party but instead give thanks to the Lord for what's he's done in my life inspite of my trials and tribulations. As I was teaching my Girls group last night about the crucifiction of Jesus I was reminded of how Satan though he won, he really thought he had the victory because Jesus was crucified but what the devil meant for evil God turned around for good and because of His death we now have the opportunity of salvation. So even through all the hurt and pain that I'm going through I have to keep reminding myself that a lot of good will come out of this. I'm sure I'll have to smack myself a few times today and remind myself of that but at least I'm not obliof My daughter has decided to have a small Sweet 16 party and we are in the midst of planning it. She and her daddy had a special song - Butterfly Kisses. Her grandfather is standing in her daddy's place for the father/daughter dance. Well I didn't think she could dance to Butterfly Kisses so I asked her if she could dance to the Cinderella song. I played it for her since she couldn't remember it and she just sat to listen to the song. When the song finished my daughter was crying hysterically. She let out a cry that came from the depths of her soul. I just held her and cried with her all the while thinking "Lord, this just isn't fair". I've never heard my daughter cry like she did today. She said, mommy I can't do it, I can't dance to that song. Every year I'm very involved with the coordination of our Applefest activities for our church. This was the first year of Applefest without Frank around. It was a rough morning as I really was just tired and somewhat emotional. While preparing for Applefest an old friend from our church who had moved overseas stopped by with her husband to say hello. She asked me how Frank was doing and oh how much that hurt to tell her Frank had died. It hurt for me because that was the first time that happened to me but it hurt me for her too because she truly felt so, so bad and was so, so sad. We just held each other and cried. I thought to myself, okay Lord this is the start of the day so what do you have planned. Wow, the past few weeks have been extremely rough. Between the drama my daughter has had at school over truly dumb things and girls just being ridiculous and my mammogram coming back inconclusive it's been just absolutely nuts. I sometimes feel like a hamster in a wheel just going, going, going and wishing I could get off this wheel. I know that I know if it were not for God I would not be standing right now. I don't understand why sometimes we must suffer so much. It seems some of us have to suffer more than others. Not to long ago I remember even feeling like geeze God can't love me if he allows all of this to happen to me but I know that's not true. I know Satan would want nothing more than for me to curse my God but I will never do that. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
Categories |