The change of seasons is always one of the hardest for me. I guess it's because every season represents a different aspect of my relaltionship with my hubby. In the Winter we snuggled and spent more time in the house watching movies, in the Spring we would plan outings and work around the house, in the Summer we spent lots of time outdoors, grilling, playing in the pool, entertaining friends/family etc. This weekend is going to be hot, thank the Lord. As much as I've been anxious for it to get warmer, I'm not at that place of - okay now what. What do I do with my time. My daughter will be running around with her buddies so what do I do. Most of my friends are either married or in a serious relationship so it really becomes lonely. I don't want to be stuck at home alone when the weather is gorgeous out so I really have to change my mindset and become more proactive about filling in my time. This weekend I'll be spending it doing yard cleaning so that will keep me busy.
As you are praying for me, please pray that I can occupy my time with good things, fun things. Also, please pray that God would help me with my prayer life. My prayer life has not been what I would like it to be lately. I don't know if it's because of being so busy etc but I truly need to bring it up a notch or two.
Thanks all.
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As I mentioned in my last blog, I had a great, great time but I still missed hubby. We went "zip-lining" (hanging on a trail chord going from tree to tree 90 ft in the air) and that was quite an experience. There was a father and his 9 year old daughter on the trip. He asked where was my husband and I told him. He said, well he's still with you in spirit. Yes he was. He heard how uncomfortable and scared I was about this zip-line adventure and asked why was I doing it. Well I said, my husband was the adventurous and sponateneous one and my daughter always reminds me about that. She tells me that's one of the things she misses most about her dad so I feel like I have to do this so that I can try to fill that hole for her. The things we do for our children. I told Nikki if Daddy were here you know that I would be at the hotel, soaking under the sun or getting a massage and you would be here doing this crazy stuff with daddy. She laughed and said, yep. So I survived zip lining and a first island vacation without hubby. I did have a ball but there were several instances where I had to truly ask the Lord to help me and strenghten me because there were those times I just wanted to cry. I finally did end up crying on our last day. We were walking in the airport and a vendor was selling these beautiful CDs and she had them playing out loud and a song comes on that my honey use to sing to me or leave me phone messages with him singing me this song. I heard the song and so did Nikki and she looked at me, I said Nikki that's one of Daddy's songs to me and she smiled. I continued to walk and the tears just started to come down. Nikki saw me crying and held my hand. I walked through the crowds with my dauhter and friends and yet felt so alone. Fortunately it was an overwhelming cry but it was something I had to release. I know my husband's spirit was with me and I know he was happy that I was having a good time. I'm sure he was shocked that I was jumping from tree top to tree top. That's not something he would have expected of me nor something I would have expected of myself. However, I've come to truly appreciate life and realize that it must be enjoyed because you never know when you are leaving. I truly have come to appreciate life and I remind myself always to look around and appreciate what God has blessed me with and continue on this journey. Our plane ride back was a rough one. Lot of turbulence and I was surely praying. I stopped and said, well Lord I know you'll get us back safely because I'm not done in this world yet. I know the Lord has a purpose for me and I know that I know that I'm not done. As a matter of fact, I know that I've not reached that place where I totally understand God's purpose and plan so I've been asking him lately more and more, Lord please direct me on the path to your purpose for my life, show me Lord what your purpose is in my life. I do not want to leave this world without truly fulfilling God's purpose for my life. I think many people leave this world without fulfilling God's purpose because they get so caught up in their plans without really seeking the Lord for His plans. I want God's plans for my life and that's what I'm determined to find I must say I'm having a good time. The bible does say that laughter is like good medicine and I must say, once again the bible is right. My HS buddy is in Mexico with me and we truly have had a ball. It's like we just took up from where we left off in HS. There are still those little things that remind me of hubby like today we saw a cruise ship sailing in the night and I remembered the night sails with my honeybun on the cruise ships. Then seeing the father's playing with their little kids and remembering Frank playing with Nikki. There is plenty to remind me about him and that's okay. I look, I remember, I'm thankful for the times we had together and I move on because I know Frank would want me to have a good time. Nikki is having a good time just seeing me and my buddy interacting so this has been an experience for her too. It's teaching her what good friends are all about and how even older friends can be just as silly as young friends. Well this is the first time that we are on a beautiful island without my honey bunny. This resort in Mexico is absolutely beautiful. It is huge with everything you can imagine - except my honey. Now blues is not suppose to be with vacation - right. But that's what I'm feeling right now. Best friends of ours gave us a free stay at their timeshare in a 5 Star Resort in Puerto Vallarta and I'm feeling blue. Why??? Well vacations just don't seem to be the same anymore without Frank. It's so, so strange going away without him. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to some good R n R but man oh man I just hate this feeling I get before going away without my honey. Today is a year since my honey bun has been in heaven. It was such a rainy day. I woke up this morning and I said, okay Lord my husband always use to say that good things happen to him on rainy days so what's happening today :) Yesterday I sat and watched our favorite show - ER. We loved to snuggle up on Thursday's to watch ER and here I was watching the last program. As I watched it I thought of yet another thing that reminded me of Frank was ending. There was a scene that truly brought tears to my eyes when a man's wife of 72 years was dying. He sat there with her and asked the nurse about her irregular breathing and was told that's part of the dying process. I remember hearing the same words. The man sat there by his wife and when she took her last breath he couldn't believe she was gone. He asked if he could just stay with her for a little bit and he got in the bed and laid down with her as he ran his fingers through her hair. Oh my goodness, it truly just made me cry for it brought me back to those last hours, minutes with my husband. By the time Frank passed he was drugged up on pain meds so I hope he knew I was there with him because he never wanted to die alone. Wow, it was a tough episode to watch and truly, truly made me cry. But I'm okay. I've come to understand there is nothing wrong with crying. Crying is part of the healing process. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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