Well today is the last day of the year. As I reminisce about the year, I have many tears because it truly started as a rough year with Frank being sick and four months into the year we lost him. As I think about it, I just realized that most of 2008 was spent without my husband. That really does hurt. It also hurts as I think about the fact that tonight at 12:00 will be the first time in 21 years that I will not kiss him or feel his strong arms around me. Quite sad to think about. However, once again I feel the strong arms of Jesus holding me close and I know that this too will pass. I can spend my time thinking about what I no longer have or I can spend my time thinking about what I did have with my husband, what I do have today and how much I have to be thankful for. I could spend my time thinking of what God's plans are and be happy that He does have a plan and that I will prevail because of Christ in me. I can look forward to God's wonderful plans and know that not only will I be blessed but others will be blessed by God using me, my struggles, my pain, my past, my love etc.
Not everyone has the opportunity to experience the kind of love that I experienced from Frank. Mistakes and all, he had a love for me that was just amazing and he expressed it in such beautiful, romantic ways with his little love letters, serenading me at work etc. Those things I will treasure and always thank the Lord that I was given the opportunity to love and be loved in such a beautiful way.
Happy New Year my honey bun. Miss you much!!!
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I have started to listen to a teaching by Dr Myles Monroe on the Purpose of a Man. It is a series that I would recommend to men and woman because it truly breaks down the purpose of a man and the purpose of a woman. It is so, so deep that although I'm listening to it on my way to work I have to also listen to it again at home with pen and paper at hand. It's 3 days since Christmas and God, once again, has been good to me. The word says that we are made strong in our weakness and again I say as I've said before, that verse doesn't make logical sense but how true it is. I, once again have lived it and experienced it. I could not have been feeling any weaker than I had been feeling during this Christmas season but yet God made me strong. Why, because I totally depended on him. There isn't a present in the world that could do what my Lord has done for me and for that I give him praise. God once again comforted me, held me close to him, sustained me and gave me joy and peace in the midst of the pain. I serve a big God and I love him so. If you've been reading my blog you know that yesterday was a really, really bad day. I cried out desparately for the Lord - just needing to hear a word from Him. I was really feeling like he was not hearing me, like he was not aware of my pain. Well last night I kept hearing the name Hezekiah and as I read parts of Hezekiah story I saw how he depended on the Lord for everything no matter how bad the trials. This morning I kept hearing the song - Because of Who You Are I Worship You. Well as I started singing that song my spirit was just lifted and I was strengthened. I realized this morning that I had lost my praise. Well that's exactly what the enemy wants, for me to lose my praise. Amazing what happens when you lose your praise. So today I just continued to sing that song over and over and give him the praise that he deserves because his word says to praise him at all times - not just when I'm feeling good. Now of course I know this, but you know it's like sometimes you fall asleep at the wheel. Ok, I'm just being real honest here - tis the season business is just not cutting it for me at all. What do I want for Christmas, for it to be January 2nd already. I'm sorry but that's the truth. I heard someone say the other day that if you focus on what you don't have you forget what you have. Now I know that's true and it's easy to focus on what we don't have during a season like this but that's exactly what I'm doing. Yep, I'm in a pitty party right now and I'm not going to apologize for it because pitty parties are part of healing too. I use to feel bad about being in a pitty party but you know what, I've been darn strong so a little pitty party is okay as long as I understand that's where I am and that I can't stay there. It's a week before Christmas and I really wish I could fast forward to after New Year's. We have not decorated or put up a tree yet and honestly speaking, I have no desire to do so. However, I will because I will not allow the enemy of my soul to take away more of my joy. It's a rough, rough time. It's hard walking through the shopping mall and seeing all the families shopping together. I see the faces on some of the men and they look so fed up and I think, wow, I remember that look. Hey, I'll even be happy with that look now versus not having my husband. I know that we will get through this time but man oh man, this has got to be the hardest yet. Please pray that we get through it and find some joy in the midst of our pain. Thanks. Yesterday we celebrated my daughter's Sweet 16. It truly was a special time where she truly felt like the princess she is to me and her daddy. I could not ask God for more as everything was so beautiful, so peaceful, so loving. I truly, truly felt God's hand in all of it and I know that my daughter felt God's love and her daddy's love. When I returned home, I just had to kneel and give thanks. For once in my life I was truly speechless as I didn't have the words to express my sincere gratitude to my Lord. All I kept repeating was thank you, thank you, thank you. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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