It has been another stressful work week which has not allowed me to update my blog. I'm glad it's Friday although Friday's are rough for me. I miss looking forward to Friday's to have our quality family time together. I miss my husband so much.
In the past week we've experienced several "firsts". It was our first long holiday weekend without Frank. My brother Rocky came over for the weekend with the family so we had a busy weekend. By Monday though I just felt like I was in that vaccum again. We were sitting together outside playing cards and I felt so alone, so incomplete so I was ready to go to my room and retreat. It's so hard sometimes when you just feel so incomplete.
This week we also went to the dentist. This is the dentist we've been going to for about 20 years and it was always a family affair kind of thing. We would all go get out teeth done the same day. Again, it hurt to look where we would normally sit and not see Frank.
Today was another first. Today was the Missionettes retreat so Nikki was taking off for the weekend. That was extremely hard for both of us as we have not been apart from each other since Frank died. We both cried and just held each other. We have truly bonded more since Frank's passing and we really do treasure each other. I truly have a gem for a daughter and I thank God for her everyday. I can't wait for Sunday so I could hold her again. I just pray that God would meet her in a big way this weekend. I pray he just touch her deep because she really needs a special touch from the Lord.
I tell you, if it were not for my relationship with Jesus I would be lost. He truly is my strength and my refuge.
Love you Jesus and love you Frank.
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Well of course stress is not good but I tell you that this week has been extremely stressful at work. The stressful week has kept me so overwhelmed that it's kept me too busy for anything else. This was a week where I didn't cry for 4 days - not bad. I just thank the Lord that he gave me a calm spirit throughout my ordeal at work that I didn't succumb giving a certain person what she deserved but instead I've been praying for her. I purchased this CD devotional on grieving. Who would have thought that they would have devotionals for grieving too. Wow. Well it's a wonderful CD in that for each devotional there is a beautiful song to go with it. I will most definitely be listening to it over and over again. It truly helped me on my drive in this morning just to hear that others in my state have felt the same thing. Today has been another rough day. I went to my praise dance class and gave testimony and was feeling pretty good. Then I came outside to a beautiful spring day and couldn't help but think about how much Frank and I looked forward to such beautiful days to do something together. Even if it was doing something around the house we were at least together. Okay I'm going to be real transparent right now. Most of you reading this have not experienced the death of a spouse (thank God). The death of a spouse is totally different from losing a close friend, a brother etc. I lost several close friends, one of my brothers but that pain can't come near to the pain and feeling of total lost you feel when losing a spouse. I'm not minimizing the pain of losing a loved one because as I said, I've been through that too. But when you lose a spouse - oh my Lord - the pain, the despair, the fear of your future, the feeling of "what now", what am I suppose to do now. Honestly, I can't put it into words. Needless to say, it has been a struggle to pray, to praise my Lord. No I'm not angry at God although I've heard that's one of the feelings that may come about. I'm not angry at God because I trust him even though I don't understand his ways. I guess I'm just numb, too numb to do much of anything except that which I must do every day to live - work, eat, sleep etc. Yep that's all I've been able to do. As I said, I'm being transparent. Well the other night I was awaken at 2:30 a.m. because I heard a noise by my bedroom window. I jumped out of bed terrified and as I went to the window the thought crossed through my mind, oh my goodness what am I going to do if someone is out there. For a split second there was nothing but sheer panic as I realized once again that my husband is not here so he can't protect us. I quickly pulled myself together, (amazing what God does in you) and slowly peeked out the window. Well thank the Lord it was nothing but a racoon. Well as some of you know I've been sleeping with the TV on all night but recently I've been finally able to put it on the timer so it turns off in 90 minutes. However, thanks to the racoon, I'm now wide awake so I put the TV back on and set it for 90 minutes. Well who's on TBN but Pastor Tim Adour (Diana - Missionette's husband). Now I saw him on earlier in the week but caught the program late so I didn't really catch the message. Pastor Tim was speaking about praising the Lord regardless of your circumstances and that when you praise the Lord - you confuse the enemy and your enemy crumbles. Hmm, he is speaking to me for sure. I've always said, the enemy wants to take my praise away but I will not allow him to do that. Yet the only time I've been able to praise lately has been in corporate praise. Well Pastor Tim then said, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. I lay there thinking, okay Lord, I got it. The past few days I've been okay for the most part emotionally but I feel like I'm just running all the time. You don't realize how much your husband is such a help till he's not around. Just to have him to talk to, to share things with, to bounce ideas off of etc - nobody can really fill that void. It's a hard thing accepting that this is my life now - it's me, God and my daughter. Sure I have many people who are around, my church family who is constantly offering their help in some way but the reality is that as a friend of mine who also experienced the death of her husband said, "everyone can retreat from the pain and go back to their families". I can't retreat from the pain and my family isn't complete but I must continue to live on. I feel sometimes like a hamster in one of those "wheels" just going and going - trying to make sure I cover everything and plan in advance for things that need to be done knowing that I can't be a two places at one time so needing help to keep on top of appointments etc. To be honest, I know God is getting us through this but I really hate being in this situation. As I said before, it's not the path I would have chosen but I still hold on knowing that God has a plan. Thank you Jesus I survived the weekend. It started off pretty rough but my Mother's Day wasn't as bad as I thought it could be. My wonderful daughter tried to make it as special as possible although she didn't have any money to buy me a gift. Her little poems and signs of affection truly made my day. We visited my mother and my mother in-law. We looked at an old photo album my mother in-law had where so many memories just came back to me like a rushing river. On our way down into the city, one of our favorite songs came on the radio and I sang it at the top of my lungs out to my honey bun. I cried but I was okay. Nikki and I have cried some the past few days but overall I believe it helps just to relieve the pain. We miss him so much. The past two days have been extremely difficult. I honestly know that God is holding me up because things have just been so, so difficult. I hurt so, so much. I've been finding that I get really down just before the weekend. I guess it's because I use to look forward so much to the weekends to have that free time with the family but now the family is minus one. This weekend is particularly difficult because its one of those "firsts". It'll be my first Mother's Day without Frank. To be honest, just the thought of going to church and seeing the families together to share the special day is too much for me to bear with. Please, please pray for Nikki. She's used some bad judgement this week. I believe part of it is her pain because she misses her father. It's so difficult to raise a child without a father - to not be able to share and discuss solutions etc. I don't know how single moms do it. Today makes a month since Frank passed away. It has been a rough day. I'm at work and it has taken everything within me not to cry while in my office. I can't wait to break for lunch so I can go somewhere and pray, cry, scream, do whatever will make my heart feel better. Praise my Lord God Almighty for He has never left me now will He ever leave me. He is and has been my strength, my provider my comforter, my hope and my true love. It's only because of Him that I'm standing, it's only because of Him that Nikki and I can continue to move forward knowing that He has us in the palm of His mighty hands. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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