Tomorrow will be 8 years since my husband passed and I wonder, will I ever wake up on April 6 and not hurt. 

I smile, I laugh, I thank God for the wonderful new husband God has blessed me with, but deep down inside my heart is screaming and I still cry. In my mind I keep living it over again, and it hurts so, so much. I just want to remember and celebrate his life but my heart aches as I am taken back to the days 8 years ago that led to my life and my daughter's life changing forever. Oh my Lord, help me and help my daughter get through this time period yet again. To many, it's just another day but for us, our life was turned upside down on April 6, 2008. Yes, I have remarried, some people call that "moving on" and I'm happy with my life now but the truth is that you never quite "move on".  You learn to adjust to your new life, you learn to be happy though a huge part of your life is missing but moving on is another story. You are able to move on but when it comes to that day that your life changed forever, well, the moving on is just like the "wallpaper" that's covering your pain. I still miss my husband so, so much. Happy with my new life but I feel like I still walk around with a huge hole in my heart. I know I'll get through this after tomorrow when marks the day he was taken from me 8 years ago. In the meantime, I sit here remembering and holding on to our last moments together because true love never dies.

Seven years later and my heart is still so heavy on this day that you passed away. I try not to think of our last hours together and instead focus on the life we shared but I cannot help but think of those last moments where we shared the air we breathed. Seven years later and so much to be thankful as I admire our daughter and how much she has accomplished but I can't erase her words from my heart when I told her you departed "but mami, I'm only fifteen". Seven years later and I have an absolutely wonderful man in my life that I know you would approve of and I know in heaven you are cheering us on but it still hurts as I move forward remembering all we had that was taken too soon. Biblically seven stands for completion so I'm starting my "new beginnings" but it's still hard. Seven years later still loving you and missing you but comforted that you are in glory.


Sending you kisses in heaven honey bun. 

I'm almost 7 years into this journey and I want to tell you, there is hope. It does get better. One day you wake up and finally come to grips with the fact that your honey isn't coming back and that he/she would want you to live the life he/she cannot live.  In the last few years instead of focusing on the loss of my husband, I've focused on the blessings. I've focused on the fact that I was so blessed to have loved and been loved. I've focused on the good times that we had and how much we gave to each other. I've focused on how special our relationship was and what we accomplished together through my daughter. I've focused on moving forward and enjoying life--travelling, loving on people, appreciating my family and friends, and doing God's work. I've also focused on being open to love again. 

At around my 2.5 year mark I started dating a good man who treated me wonderfully. We had a lot of great times together but almost two years later we broke up. I wanted marriage, he did not though I was led to believe all along he wanted marriage. So we parted ways and it was best for both of us. Although it didn't work out, I'm grateful that God sent a gentle man to me as the first man to open up and love again. I'm now in a different place. I have a new wonderful man in my life who loves me unconditionally. A man who loves my family and doesn't judge me or my family but loves them regardless. A man who sees the perfections in my imperfections and who loves me like God wants a man to love a woman--sacrificially. I remember after my last break-up that  the Lord spoke to my spirit and told me "A man who loves you will die for you like I died for you. He will give of himself sacrificially, die to his desires and love you unconditionally. He will pursue you as I pursued you and gave my life for you".  Well needless to say I've since used that as my barometer and God has blessed me with a wonderful man. Because of fear of being hurt again, I tried everything to push this man away but the harder I pushed the more firm was his stand. He would tell me, "Do what you want, I'm not going anywhere. I know you are my gift from God".  I thank God that he was strong and patient with me because he truly is such a blessing. I am hopeful that we will have a future together but ultimately it's in God's hands. 

So please, don't give up hope. If you are a widow(er), keep your focus on God, seek His guidance for your life, work on your healing, on moving forward and on enjoying the life that you've been blessed with because your honey would want you to live for him/her.  In due time, God will bless you with someone again. Ask the Lord to help you to trust Him and to help you open up your heart again. Your love would want you to move on in this life and moving on doesn't mean you no longer love your honey because true love never dies. 

My husband will always hold that special place in my heart. I will always adore him and treasure what we had but God has shown me just as He is able to love me and all His children, I can also love again. Loving again is wonderful so please don't lose hope. 

God bless you!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I had a really difficult day.  I worked so hard for something and it didn't work out the way I had hoped.  I cried all the way home and then once I got home I cried some more. My daughter, my rock, tried to help me feel better repeating to me some of the same things I've told her in the past in similar circumstances.  It felt good to hear her repeat what I've said because it let me know that she treasures my words. 

Anyway, it's during difficult times that I really miss my husband.  It was the little things he did during these times that really helped me. He would have run a hot bath for me with candles all around, he would have sat there and listened to me as I shared the same story over and over, he would have encouraged me, he would have held me in his arms as I cried and fell asleep on him, he would have woke me up this morning with a kiss, left me a love note on the bed, called me when he got to work to check on me and say something silly to cheer me up, he probably would have sent me flowers, called and left a message with a song dedication or sing a song to me over the phone (smiling just thinking about it) and then he would have taken me out tonight to a beautiful dinner. Yep, in many ways he spoiled me because he was such a romantic. It's days like this that makes me miss him and wonder if I will ever find that again.  It's also days like this that help me focus on some of the key things I want from a man.  Romantic, affectionate are just a few of the key attributes. I know that God will send the right man my way at the right time. Thank you Jesus.

It will soon be five years since I lost my husband.  I find myself spending these days remembering the pain that I was feeling during this time.  My days were spent running back and forth to the hospital, praying, crying, hoping.... I remember how my friends and family were there by my side and I remember seeing the pain on my daughter's face as she saw her daddy, her strong super-hero daddy laying there helpless.  I remember as if it were yesterday hearing the doctor's tell me that I must prepare for what's coming and that my husband will not come out of the coma.  These memories have been consuming these days but God has reminded me to focus on the answered prayers He gave me.   Yes my hubby went home to be with the Lord but before that God allowed my husband to wake from his coma and whisper in my ear that he loved me.  He allowed me the time to tell him that I love him.  He allowed us the time to talk about where his heart was and to ensure he didn't have any unforgiveness or sins that he needed to release.  He allowed my husband to hear his daughter tell him that he was her super-hero.  I remember walking into the hospital room and him telling me that Nikki told him he was her super-hero.  He was so, so touched by her saying that.  In the midst of the pain, God was there and held us through it all.  In the midst of the pain we shared some love and joy and for that I am eternally grateful.  As my husband laid there and took his last breath that too was another answered prayer because my husband's wish was to have me by his side when his time came to depart from this world.  It's five years later and everything is still so vivid in my mind but I am also reminded of how far God has brought me, how he has provided for me in ways that I could never truly express, how he has strengthened me, how he has made me wiser and how he has shown me that though my earthly husband is gone, I have a husband in Jesus that will never leave me.  I am reminded that I am never alone because I have the best husband I could ever have and that is my Jesus.

Life does go on and somehow you find your new "normalcy".  That was the most difficult part of the grieving for me.  I have moved on and found a special someone in my life and only God knows what will happen with him but in the meantime I know that God has me in the palm of His hands.

So on these days where I've been thinking about my last days with my husband, I am also remembering my Jesus who died and rose again for me so that I am never alone.  Life goes on,  somehow it gets easier but you never, ever forget because love never dies and death cannot take away the memories sealed in your heart.

Update 7/12/2013 - I mentioned above that I had a special person in my life.  I thought  that we would have a future together but that is not the case. I don't understand why this has happened but I know God has a plan. It hurt me tremendously and I was tempted to go back in my shell and protect myself from being hurt again.  However, I have never allowed fear to overcome me and I'm not about to start now so onward I go to what God has for me. I wait on Jesus expecting only but the best from Him as I move on to yet another new beginning.  The new beginning is not a point and time in life but a journey of hope.

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

Update 3/30/2016 - My FB newsfeed brought me to this posting today and I just needed to update it yet again. Sometimes what you think you want is not what's best for you and God always has a plan. As you read above, I went through a break-up with the first boyfriend I had after my husband's death. Though I didn't understand the break-up then, it became clear to me in 2014 when God brought this man into my life that showed me so much love, respect and treated me like a queen. He also honored my husband's memory in too many ways to mention here. I married this wonderful man on June 20, 2016. We had my dream wedding on a beach. Does it still hurt that my late husband is gone, absolutely. But the pain is now much more bearable due to passing of the years (eight) and this awesome husband I have in my life who loves me unconditionally, honors my husband's memory in every way and loves my daughter unconditionally. I could not have asked for a better man. So, if you are a widow or widower, please be encouraged, it does get more bearable. Blessings!!!

Today I spent some time cleaning out the guest room. To my surprise I found copies of the letters I wrote to my church and friends who were praying for us during Frank's last stay in the hospital. I wrote a letter every day while he was in the hospital and I ended with day 10. Frank lasted 10 days when the doctor's didn't even think he would last the weekend. I'm very big on numbers and their meanings so I looked up the number 10 today and I learned that the number 10 actually means "completeness in a divine order". Well mind you, when I looked this up 2 years ago I was given a definition of "testimony; law and responsibility".  I researched this in several places today and was given the same answer - completeness in divine order. So my honey bun may have left this world but it was God's complete and divine order and for that I'm blessed.

It is interesting that about two days before Frank passed I wrote about a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and feeling like God was telling me it was time to let him go. Amazing how we have strength to hold on even when we know we should let go. So reading these letters today did bring tears to my eyes but it also brought joy. How can something so painful bring joy. Well it's joy from seeing how God is so amazing and how he pulls us through even the most difficult circumstances, the most difficult times of our lives. I can't imagine where I would be without Jesus in my life and I'm so grateful to have such an awesome relationship with Jesus.

Thank you Lord that you never leave us nor forsake us.

As I left work today I noticed the yellow leaves starting to show on various bushes. I thought to myself tomorrow makes two years since my honey left to be with the Lord. I then thought about those yellow leaves and couldn't remember seeing such a simple beautiful thing two years ago. Two years ago, although the sun may have been shining, my life was so dark and dreary because I had lost the man I loved with all my heart. Amazing how a difficult time can have such an effect on the beauty around you. It occurred to me today that when my hubby passed it was spring but yet I was still stuck in a lonely, cold, depressing winter. Wow!! But only because of God could I notice today something as simple as small yellow leaves. Through it all I've truly come to understand how I really "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  It's not my ability or my strength but it's the Lord in me and for that I'm eternally grateful. Yes my Lord has been faithful and somehow has helped me and Nikki to make it through. Somehow in the last two years He has helped us to find joy, strength, and hope. I truly do have so much to thank Him for because we've made it through. So tomorrow, although it's two years since Frank's passing, I'm going to take some time to enjoy the beautiful yellow leaves, the flowers starting to bud, the chirping of the birds, the beautiful blue sky and the life and future Nikki and I have before us because God still has a plan.

I miss my honey bun but overall, I'm doing okay. I have many memories to cherish, a beautiful, sweet daughter to love and to help her to be all she wants to be, all her Daddy and her Lord wants her to be so honestly, I can't complain.  No matter how hard it's been, God continues to have a plan. I am who I am today because of what I've been through. I look forward to what God has planned for my life and for Nikki.  I hold onto the scripture that says our later years will be better.

Thank you Jesus.

Almost two years later and sometimes this silence is deathening. Woke up today really missing my honey bun. The change in seasons is always difficult because it's like a beginning of something but it's the beginning of something without that special person. In my case that special person was truly my best friend.

All of you that are married or one day will be married, it's important that your spouse be your best friend. Best friends stay together through thick and thin. Best friends enjoy each other's company and encourage each other. I remember when my honey bunny first got into Aikido. Oh my goodness he just couldn't get enough of it and at first I was resenting it. Then he said to me "hon, can you just support me with this cause I really enjoy it". Well at that point I realized that I was only being jealous because he was doing something he enjoyed without me. So I started to support him and then he was able to start a little dojo (martial arts center) and I helped him with the dojo. You have to show your honey that you're interested in what they do and encourage them cause it's not all about you.

Anyway, love your honey bun, don't take him/her for granted and always be his/her best friend. Your marriage will be so much better. 
 

As I mentioned in my last post. I've started a new blog called New Beginnings. The blog site is http://www.newbeginnings4dee.weebly.com   Please come visit my new site.

Well next month would have been me and Franks 24th anniversary. Wow, it's been 1 yr and 9 mths since he's been gone and sometimes I still can't believe he's not around. I know I said that I would be posting in my new blog but I have to share this cause I had to question myself as to where this was coming from. About a week or so ago I found myself being angry at Frank. Now I know that anger is part of the grieving process but I never thought I would feel that at this point. So I kept asking why, why am I feeling this now. Then it occurred to me, as you venture out to a "new beginning" it's something new which requires you to leave the past behind and it's something that I'm going to venture out to without Frank. Well I have not ventured out to anything new without Frank in 27 years cause that's how long we were together. So it's only normal to feel this now because, of course, I would prefer for him to be with me for this new beginning. However, it's is what it is and I can't do anything about it but trust in God. That's what it always boils down to - trusting God.

So again, I'm trusting God. I have to check my bible cause several years ago the Lord spoke to my heart and gave me the name New Beginnings for a ministry I was going to start. Maybe this is the beginning of that ministry. I don't know but I guess we'll see at some point.

I may not have my husband but I have my life, my good health, another breath of life, my salvation, my love for Jesus, my daughter, my family, my home, my job, my loved ones and the love of Jesus. So I may not have my honey but my Lord has me. Thank you Jesus.