This weekend has been one of the hardest for me since Frank passed. I don't know if it's because August is coming which would have been 5 years since Frank returned home. I don't know if it's that I feel overwhelmed because of everything I'm dealing with right now (work done in the yard, working with a financial advisor, dog being sick). I just know that I have such a heartache that it takes everything within me to keep myself going and not just spend my days crying my heart out. I think the fact that Nikki is always on the run with her friends brings my loneliness to the forefront as sometimes I feel like I lost my husband and I'm losing the semblance of family too. She's doing what teenagers like to do, hang out together which leaves me basically alone. Yes I know that God has a plan and that He's in control and that I'll be fine but right now I just feel so, so alone and I don't like it at all. I pray that God can just comfort me and take away this pain, this loneliness and help me to see the next step of his plan for my life. I know that I can't lean on my own understandings but I must trust in Him and I do but IT STILL HURTS!!! Help me Lord, please help me. Help me to look forward and not back, help me to seek out your plan for my life and use me Lord, use me, use me to bring you glory. I know that as you use me Lord, the focus will go from the pain to your plan so use me Lord.
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I understand now why David poured out his heart in Psalms. Truly as you cry out to the Lord it brings you to a place of remembrance of the great God that we serve. Somehow it encourages you to keep on the good fight of faith. I t's because as you cry out to the Lord you get into his presence and as it says in Exodus 33:14 "My presence will go with you and I will give you rest". The Lord confirmed something for me this weekend. Something that he wants me to do that He knows will help encourage many and free many but it's not quite something I was ready to release. However, I will be obedient to what he has asked. I can't really share it right now because I first need to sit with Nikki and share with her God's plan. It just amazes me how even with Frank gone the Lord still wants to use his life to encourage and free others. Every day I understand more and more why the Lord brought Frank and I together and every day I understand that although Frank is gone, God's plan with Frank's life, with our lives together is not gone. I'm just amazed at the God that I serve. He truly is an awesome God and I love him so much. It's God's love, God's joy, God's strength that keeps me going every day. If I didn't have Christ in my life, I could not deal with the pain and the loneliness but because of Christ, I can do all things. Because of the plan I know He has which requires my obedience, I am encouraged and strengthened every day. It gives me the focus I need to not look at myself but to look beyond myself to what God wants to accomplish through me, my life, my marriage and our victories. I really don't know why but for the last three days it's been harder. I miss my husband so much. I have not been able to get to sleep before 12:00 for the last few days. Last night when I walked into our empty room I just cried as I looked at the empty bed yet again. I laid in bed and just cried trying to do it softly so that Nikki would not hear me. I just cried and said Lord I miss holding my husband's hand as we laid in bed together, I miss the bedtime conversations we use to have, I miss sharing with him, I miss his touch, his hugs, the special things he would say, I miss waking up in the middle of the night to find him and snuggle up next to him, I miss kissing his lips, I miss his smile. I just continued to cry and asked the Lord to please, please take this pain away. I know that Frank is in heaven and that he's so happy and that does provide lots of consolation but it doesn't take the pain away, it doesn't take the loneliness away. It's The Little Things.... Nikki and I went to Seattle for 5 days and stayed at my boss's condo. We stayed in Kirkland which is a beautiful place. We had a great time but it truly was so strange without Frank. When we left NY I actually felt as if I was leaving Frank behind - weird feeling. Now Frank and I have never been to Seattle but yet there were things there to remind me of him. For example, an old car, collectible passed by and I was reminded of when Frank and I were in an amusement park and we took a ride on a similar looking car; while in the Science Museum we attended a Lazer Light Show to Beatles music and the first song they played was a song that Frank and some friends of ours did a video too when vacationing in Lake George many years ago. So you see, my honey was with me still in spirit. I noticed today that it's been about a week since I've cried. I believe it's because of the prayers of those who read my last post saying I sometimes feel like I'm going to lose it. It seems since then I've been okay so thanks for praying. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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