The past couple of weeks have been okay. I really have not cried. That's how I measure a good week - funny how circumstances can change how you view things. However, today we had an awesome service and I just cried my heart out. They were not tears of sadness but just a crying out to God. Crying out for continued strength, crying out for wisdom, cryng out to thank Him for all He's done, crying out for my daughter and I as a family unit, crying out to hear God's plan for our lives. I know that I know that Frank's passing is not the end of God's plan for our ministry but instead the beginning. Sometimes I am just so anxious to see God's plan but his word says "his word is a lamp unto my feet". So if it's a lamp, that means I can't see everything at once but step by step He'll shine that lamp and I just have to keep trusting Him to keep leading and shining the way. I have many questions about my future, my daughter's future and God just keeps reminding me to just trust in Him and He'll show me what I need to see when I need to see it. We are so much into that "quick fix" mentality because everything now days is done quickly. Yes God can work quick sometimes but there are times where He does things at a slower pace for whatever reasons. In my particular case right now I think He's just trying to build me up to prepare me for what He has planned. In the past week He has shown me the blessings that come with that trust and obedience. Too many of us Christians think that once you become a Christian life should be easy, after all, we have God on our side now or better said, we are on the right side now. However, we forget that there is an adversary out there whose job is to bring adverse situations. You can't grow, you can't truly experience God's glory without going through those storms, trials etcetera but there is a promise that as you go through, you believe, you trust and remain obedient those blessings will come. I can testify to that because it's happened in my life. So as difficult as the hard times have been, I thank God for them because they have and continue to transform me to be the woman of God He wants me to be.
Praise you King Jesus
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Through this ordeal, and many others, I've learned that you can't get so caught up in your circumstances or in your pain that you forget who God is and what he can do. God is not caught by surprise over your circumstances, your difficulties, your shortcomings. I've learned to trust God and seek his blessings and favor even in the midst of the trials. God led me today to Genesis where Joseph was in prison as an innocent man but yet even while in prison the word says he had God's favor and blessings. Nothing can stop God from giving us the things he desires to give us but truly how quickly we get out of the valley is many times dependant upon us. If you get stuck in the self-pity or allow the circumstances to overwhelm you then you can be like the Israelites going in circles in the desert. No, I refuse to go in circles but instead praise the Lord regardless. Something happens when you praise the Lord in the middle of the storm - he blesses you. Yes he blesses you for praising Him when you do so in the midst of the storm, in the midst of the valley because anyone can praise Him when things are good. I've been focusing more and more on Jesus and receiving His blessings. I serve the God of the impossible and He is going to turn these ashes to beauty. I await anxiously knowing that God has a plan for my life and Nikki's life and we have the victory because of the almight God we serve. The past two days have been extrememly difficult. Don't know why but they just have. I attended an absolutely wonderful worship dance conference and I was so blessed but I really, really had to work hard to hold back the tears. I felt like screaming today. My prayer lately has been, Lord your word says you are the husband to the husbandless and the father to the fatherless so please fill the gap, fill the gap Lord. Nikki and I went away for a few days to Long Beach, New Jersey. We truly had a good time. Amazing though how little things reminde us of Frank. We were at an amusement park and I saw her looking at the men trying to win stuffed animals for their children and I felt so bad because I knew if Frank were around he would have been there trying to win something for Nikki. But you know God would have it that the first game she played she won a little stuffed animal. That just showed me that God does fill in those gaps. We also watched a movie called College Bound with Martin Lawrence. In the movie he's trying to get his daughter to go to a college near home where he can watch over her. She felt he was being too overproteftive and it was just beautiful to see how they grew closer together as he felt he was losing his daughter. Nikki admitted to me that it was so hard to look at the movie without crying as she thought of her dad not being around. As I was looking at these two cute little white boxes on my bureau I was reminded of how romantic my husband was to me. Back in 1987 he gave me this tiny little white box. The box looked like a jewelry box so that's what I was expecting. But when I opened it up instead of jewelry I saw this little paper with the most beautiful words. The words basically said something to the effect that there isn't any box big enough in this world to contain the love he has for me but that these words express how much I mean to him. Well I don't remember everything that the poem said but I do remember that it touched my heart deep to my core. I put the box on top of our fireplace and one day it disappeared. We looked everywhere for it and we knew for a fact that a so called friend of ours had taken it to give it to his girlfriend. I was so hurt that my beautiful little love box was stolen and Frank tried for years, even till earlier this year to find a place that sold that box. He never found it but I have two little white boxes that he gave me and I'm just touched that he wanted so much to please me by giving me another little white box. Olive juice!!! I've been reading this book about loss and it suggests that in order to heal you have to grieve and you have to understand what you've lost. It's not enough to see this as losing my husband but what else have I lost by losing him. Well I started to think about that and here are just a few things.... I lost my best friend, my lover, my encourager, my best fan, my romanticist, my retirement plans, my future plans, my travel buddy, my dance partner, my mate, my daughter's father, my protector, my daughter's protector, our provider, our Sensei, my other half, my teddy bear, my sounding board, my masseuse, my sanitation man, my tree pruner, my mechanic, my dog walker, my daughter's driving instructor, my muscle man, my handsome hubby, my good smelling honey, my favorite person, my prayer partner, my love, my heart, and to use a secular term, my soulmate because we had truly become one in every way, physically, spiritually and emotionally. So I've lost a lot and I've only named a few things. I'm sure I'll keep adding to this list as I think of other things. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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