It's that time of the year - Spring. As much as I love the warmer weather the change of season is still difficult. It's a time when I really do miss my husband. It's a time of year when I feel more alone than ever and when I feel overwhelmed. There is so much to do and yet not enough time to do things. There are so many things that Frank would do and not having a man around makes it very difficult. I don't like to bother anyone because everyone has their own things to do in their own homes and don't need more stuff on their "honey-do" list especially when it's not from their "honey". I sometimes feel like a hamster in that wheel just going, going, going and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere or accomplishing much. It's tough. I've tried to even hire handymen to do some work and they want to bleed you dry. Lord God, please help me because I'm overwhelmed.
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It's been a while since I've had such a rough day like today so bear with me while I have a little pity party. I think I'm allowed that once in a blue moon and today is the day. Just when you think that things are getting so much better, that the days are getting a little more bearable;something happens to give you a wake up call. Something happens to bring you smack up against that wall of grief again. It's like sometimes you hit it head on. It's midnight and I'm still up doing a few things when I hear my daughter screaming for me. The poor thing was crying hysterically that she didn't want to go to the Father Child Banquet tomorrow. She said she will be the only one there without a father that's not alive. What can you possibly say to your precious child at such a time. I looked for the words to say and nothing, nothing at all came to me. Honestly because what could I really say to make her feel better. The only thing that would make that pain go away is having her daddy here. Oh Lord, that hurt so much. I finally said to her that Mr. James and Grandpa were going to be there for her and that unfortunately there will be many more instances in her life going forward where she will be in this same situation. I said that it would be best for her first such experience to be with people who know her situation, people who understand and people who love her. Well thank the Lord for that because that seem to trigger some sense of relief in her. You know it's one thing for me to hurt but to see my little baby hurt like that, it just makes me mad. It makes me ask, why. Why did my husband, Nikki's daddy have to die when there are so many daddy's out there that are not being daddy's to their kids, that are not loving or taking care of their kids, that are hurting their kids. It just doesn't make sense but then again there are many things in life that don't make sense and you just have to take the good with the bad. So once again instead of asking why I have to remind myself to just thank God that Frank was such a good father to Nikki and that she loves him so much. I have to remind myself to be grateful of the wonderful memories they shared together that she will treasure forever. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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