Well this weekend I went to the Stars Retreat. The Stars is a girls group from 3rd - 5th graders. I have a small group this year, only two girls but it's been great because we've really bonded with each other. I've been going to these retreats for several years now and as I'm sitting during the rally it hits me that the reason things seem so different is because I wasn't able to talk to my honey. As a matter of fact at one point I had even thought of calling my husband when I came to my senses and realized I couldn't do that. However, I did good in that I didn't sit there and dwell on that. I knew that had I done that it would have taken away from the blessings that God had for me at the retreat. As a result, I had a great time with my girls. Life is all about choices. Even your mood is all about choices so I made a choice to keep my chin up and have a good time with my girls.
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It's been a really tiring time. I'm trying to figure out exactly why because it's not like I've not been through a Summer without my hubby. He died last year just before the Summer. I think it may be due to lots going on with Nikki and college searches, reality of this new season with my daughter being grown, and lots of things that need to be done around the house. I really just need to remind myself to relax but that's hard to do when there is so much that still needs to be done around the house. It's that time of the year - Spring. As much as I love the warmer weather the change of season is still difficult. It's a time when I really do miss my husband. It's a time of year when I feel more alone than ever and when I feel overwhelmed. There is so much to do and yet not enough time to do things. There are so many things that Frank would do and not having a man around makes it very difficult. I don't like to bother anyone because everyone has their own things to do in their own homes and don't need more stuff on their "honey-do" list especially when it's not from their "honey". I sometimes feel like a hamster in that wheel just going, going, going and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere or accomplishing much. It's tough. I've tried to even hire handymen to do some work and they want to bleed you dry. Lord God, please help me because I'm overwhelmed. It's been a while since I've had such a rough day like today so bear with me while I have a little pity party. I think I'm allowed that once in a blue moon and today is the day. Just when you think that things are getting so much better, that the days are getting a little more bearable;something happens to give you a wake up call. Something happens to bring you smack up against that wall of grief again. It's like sometimes you hit it head on. It's midnight and I'm still up doing a few things when I hear my daughter screaming for me. The poor thing was crying hysterically that she didn't want to go to the Father Child Banquet tomorrow. She said she will be the only one there without a father that's not alive. What can you possibly say to your precious child at such a time. I looked for the words to say and nothing, nothing at all came to me. Honestly because what could I really say to make her feel better. The only thing that would make that pain go away is having her daddy here. Oh Lord, that hurt so much. I finally said to her that Mr. James and Grandpa were going to be there for her and that unfortunately there will be many more instances in her life going forward where she will be in this same situation. I said that it would be best for her first such experience to be with people who know her situation, people who understand and people who love her. Well thank the Lord for that because that seem to trigger some sense of relief in her. You know it's one thing for me to hurt but to see my little baby hurt like that, it just makes me mad. It makes me ask, why. Why did my husband, Nikki's daddy have to die when there are so many daddy's out there that are not being daddy's to their kids, that are not loving or taking care of their kids, that are hurting their kids. It just doesn't make sense but then again there are many things in life that don't make sense and you just have to take the good with the bad. So once again instead of asking why I have to remind myself to just thank God that Frank was such a good father to Nikki and that she loves him so much. I have to remind myself to be grateful of the wonderful memories they shared together that she will treasure forever. The change of seasons is always one of the hardest for me. I guess it's because every season represents a different aspect of my relaltionship with my hubby. In the Winter we snuggled and spent more time in the house watching movies, in the Spring we would plan outings and work around the house, in the Summer we spent lots of time outdoors, grilling, playing in the pool, entertaining friends/family etc. This weekend is going to be hot, thank the Lord. As much as I've been anxious for it to get warmer, I'm not at that place of - okay now what. What do I do with my time. My daughter will be running around with her buddies so what do I do. Most of my friends are either married or in a serious relationship so it really becomes lonely. I don't want to be stuck at home alone when the weather is gorgeous out so I really have to change my mindset and become more proactive about filling in my time. This weekend I'll be spending it doing yard cleaning so that will keep me busy. As I mentioned in my last blog, I had a great, great time but I still missed hubby. We went "zip-lining" (hanging on a trail chord going from tree to tree 90 ft in the air) and that was quite an experience. There was a father and his 9 year old daughter on the trip. He asked where was my husband and I told him. He said, well he's still with you in spirit. Yes he was. He heard how uncomfortable and scared I was about this zip-line adventure and asked why was I doing it. Well I said, my husband was the adventurous and sponateneous one and my daughter always reminds me about that. She tells me that's one of the things she misses most about her dad so I feel like I have to do this so that I can try to fill that hole for her. The things we do for our children. I told Nikki if Daddy were here you know that I would be at the hotel, soaking under the sun or getting a massage and you would be here doing this crazy stuff with daddy. She laughed and said, yep. So I survived zip lining and a first island vacation without hubby. I did have a ball but there were several instances where I had to truly ask the Lord to help me and strenghten me because there were those times I just wanted to cry. I finally did end up crying on our last day. We were walking in the airport and a vendor was selling these beautiful CDs and she had them playing out loud and a song comes on that my honey use to sing to me or leave me phone messages with him singing me this song. I heard the song and so did Nikki and she looked at me, I said Nikki that's one of Daddy's songs to me and she smiled. I continued to walk and the tears just started to come down. Nikki saw me crying and held my hand. I walked through the crowds with my dauhter and friends and yet felt so alone. Fortunately it was an overwhelming cry but it was something I had to release. I know my husband's spirit was with me and I know he was happy that I was having a good time. I'm sure he was shocked that I was jumping from tree top to tree top. That's not something he would have expected of me nor something I would have expected of myself. However, I've come to truly appreciate life and realize that it must be enjoyed because you never know when you are leaving. I truly have come to appreciate life and I remind myself always to look around and appreciate what God has blessed me with and continue on this journey. Our plane ride back was a rough one. Lot of turbulence and I was surely praying. I stopped and said, well Lord I know you'll get us back safely because I'm not done in this world yet. I know the Lord has a purpose for me and I know that I know that I'm not done. As a matter of fact, I know that I've not reached that place where I totally understand God's purpose and plan so I've been asking him lately more and more, Lord please direct me on the path to your purpose for my life, show me Lord what your purpose is in my life. I do not want to leave this world without truly fulfilling God's purpose for my life. I think many people leave this world without fulfilling God's purpose because they get so caught up in their plans without really seeking the Lord for His plans. I want God's plans for my life and that's what I'm determined to find I must say I'm having a good time. The bible does say that laughter is like good medicine and I must say, once again the bible is right. My HS buddy is in Mexico with me and we truly have had a ball. It's like we just took up from where we left off in HS. There are still those little things that remind me of hubby like today we saw a cruise ship sailing in the night and I remembered the night sails with my honeybun on the cruise ships. Then seeing the father's playing with their little kids and remembering Frank playing with Nikki. There is plenty to remind me about him and that's okay. I look, I remember, I'm thankful for the times we had together and I move on because I know Frank would want me to have a good time. Nikki is having a good time just seeing me and my buddy interacting so this has been an experience for her too. It's teaching her what good friends are all about and how even older friends can be just as silly as young friends. Well this is the first time that we are on a beautiful island without my honey bunny. This resort in Mexico is absolutely beautiful. It is huge with everything you can imagine - except my honey. Now blues is not suppose to be with vacation - right. But that's what I'm feeling right now. Best friends of ours gave us a free stay at their timeshare in a 5 Star Resort in Puerto Vallarta and I'm feeling blue. Why??? Well vacations just don't seem to be the same anymore without Frank. It's so, so strange going away without him. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to some good R n R but man oh man I just hate this feeling I get before going away without my honey. |
AuthorI'm Dee, wife of the late Frank Nunez. I'm a woman of God who's depending on God to pull us through this loss. Archives
April 2016
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